To Coin a Phrase

February 16, 2026

Greetings from the penny pincher,

Many people turn to this essay when they want to read about the important issues dominating the latest news.  While the only true parts of that last sentence are the prepositions, for the sake of argument, (an argumentative phrase that I rarely use) we will forge ahead. (I will pause while you look up ‘preposition’ in your Funk and Wagnalls.)

Naturally there are some incidental issues that make the national discourse: political strife, economic uncertainty, calamitous social issues, but really all anyone is talking about is one thing: Pennies. 

Recently it was ordained that the penny be discontinued, and so as of now they are no longer minted. (A process that does not involve mint, which can be misleading) We are now in the process of winding down their circulation.  Experts have estimated that this will take one billion years. (See previous preposition disclaimer)

The logic behind eliminating the coin is that it costs almost five cents to make each penny.

So, you might ask

(perhaps out loud), how will this affect prices in our country? The U.S. Mint suggests that retailers ‘round up or down’ each transaction to the nearest five cents.  My intuition is that no retailer in existence is going to round down.  So, it is possible that something that once cost you one cent will now cost you a nickel.  (This is a hypothetical example because you are not buying anything for one cent, except for the transaction following “A penny for your thoughts.”)

As you know, (this year’s passive/aggressive introduction to the next prevarication) this kind of random price hike without providing value will increase inflation.  Economists, as is their wont, are ignoring the simple answer. (Economists, being economic, ordinarily tend to take a ‘waste not, wont not’ approach to things) Irregardless, or more economically, regardless, you have found the answer by forging through the morass of this interminable introduction.

Admittedly, I have changed my previously declared position on pennies, which some punsters hinted was senseless. Some years ago, when I called for the penny’s elimination, I was naïve and foolish, and thankfully no one pays attention to my two cents.

Here is my inspired suggestion: Pennies cost five cents to make, so they should be worth five cents.  It’s perfectly logical and will improve the quality of life for Americans.  Allow me to elucidate.

There are 114 billion pennies in circulation.  At current value that is $1.1 billion dollars.  If we adjusted the penny’s value to five cents, that would mean the circulating value would become $5.7 billion dollars.  (If you are checking my math, you may have missed the point of this essay)

This automatic insertion of billions of dollars will increase the buying power of people in the U.S.  It would mean not only a better standard of living, but would validate the ‘penny saved is a penny earned’ idiom.

Pennies should be worth five cents.  Obviously, that will make nickels look silly, so we would raise them to a quarter.  Dimes would be 50 cents. Quarters would be a dollar.  This would provide additional income for everyone. It would be like pennies from heaven.

Most importantly, this genius idea would primarily benefit the working class, who need it most.  Billionaires don’t use pennies.

There are ancillary benefits to this strategy.  (As you know, ‘Ancillary Benefits’ is a popular Romance Novel series featuring a shirtless economist on the cover) For example, Penny Loafers would not become obsolete.  Coin bending machines at carnivals could still be used.  The James Bond character ‘Moneypenny’ would not have to be renamed. 

And one of the most important social support systems in the country would be saved: the little trays in convenience stores that say “Have a penny? Leave a penny. Need a penny? Take a penny.”

Of course, there could be complications.  I’m not sure which coin should be used to unlock the shopping carts at Aldi. It’s possible that retaining the penny would mean the comeback of cargo shorts, which existed primarily to carry large quantities of coins. It’s likely that keeping pennies will affect the payout by the Tooth Fairy.

Let’s face it, (another passive/aggressive introduction to the next prevarication) it is unlikely we will ever get rid of our pennies just by discontinuing them.  Canadian pennies were discontinued in 2012 and I found one in our junk drawer yesterday, and I haven’t been to Canada since we declared war on them. (We are not at war with Canada.  We have always been at war with Canada) Pennies will never go away. They will hang around like a bad penny.  (Pause here for involuntary gag reflex)

So we might as well make use of them. As we make the coin more valuable, it will benefit all of us and probably save a pretty penny. (Thankfully, that is the last penny-related axiom.)

Hope this finds you in for a penny, in for a pound,

David

Copyright © 2026 David Smith