As of this moment, no plans for flying donkeys have been proposed.

...in case a neighbor comes over and needs to solve an Ikea problem.

...Sister Marie Lenore, who seemed to be in all my classes just to punish me for my sins...

And then I am stranded forever at the Tractor Supply Company.

...if I were really smart, I wouldn't have written any of this,...

It's kind of like ransom, in reverse.

Sometimes I laugh simply because I am happy, I think of it as 'smiling out loud'.

You can't tune a fish.

I was put on probation a few years ago when I gave an answer about running with scissors.

...the game is tied at naught-naught. At which point the spectators respond, "Who's there?"

I had that sick/excited feeling when you are about to make a terrible decision.

The squeak under my boots told me it was good packing....

It's so embarrassing when the Jehovah's Witnesses have to yell "Are you going to Hell?" from the front yard.

The logic behind eliminating the coin is that it costs almost five cents to make each penny.

We need Phil to make our lives better

For example, 'Dibs'. As in, "I call dibs on the last Oreo."

January 5, 2026 Greetings from the foreshadow, Many readers have clamored for the return of the more or less annual predictions list for the coming year. (Several of the words in that sentence are not completely accurate.) Therefore, bowing to imagined demand by a fictional list of people who probably don’t read this piece, here are some reasonable guesses for the year 2026. The Farmer’s Almanac will stop publication this year. A spokesperson for the magazine, first pu

I'm certain real woodsmen don't say things like 'bark crumbs'.

November 24, 2025 Greetings from the Wrap Party, This week will mark an important event in our country. (Pause here and hold your breath for dramatic effect.) Thursday is Thanksgiving, ostensibly a day when we celebrate the relocation of homeless people by American Patriots. (I use the word ‘ostensibly’ because I am confident no one will look up the definition this early in the essay.) Thanksgiving is an important event, but it is only part of the big picture. It is, s

Artificial intelligence is NOT thinking you know something you don't actually know.