Predictions

January 5, 2026

Greetings from the foreshadow,

Many readers have clamored for the return of the more or less annual predictions list for the coming year.  (Several of the words in that sentence are not completely accurate.) Therefore, bowing to imagined demand by a fictional list of people who probably don’t read this piece, here are some reasonable guesses for the year 2026.

The Farmer’s Almanac will stop publication this year. A spokesperson for the magazine, first published in 1818, will proclaim: “We give up.” The long-respected magazine was a staple in most households, useful for its predictions about weather patterns, agriculture, astronomy and gardening.  The furloughed staff of the Farmer’s Almanac will replace all the employees at the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

Massive investments in artificial intelligence will create enormous data centers all over the country, consuming unfathomable amounts of electricity and water and producing two things: crippling corporate debt and tech that makes a much faster checkout process at Target.

In a dramatic surprise move, the Winter Olympics are being held this year.  Once again, the event will be in a foreign country, in part because the Biathlon makes American schoolchildren nervous.  The most popular event will be the Skeleton, where people slip and fall on ice, which was named after the famous slapstick comedian.

Space travel will be dominated by NASA.  Ha ha, just kidding.  The world’s richest man will continue to focus SpaceX on sending a small team of people to Mars, primarily to create the only place in the galaxy where driverless cars will be safe.

Digital currencies will thrive in 2026 when the makers of the board game ‘Monopoly’ adds Bitcoin to the game.  Players will be able to manipulate entire made-up economies with the made-up currency.  Also added to Monopoly will be a bankruptcy court, and a get out of jail free card tailored specifically for players named CZ.

Politics in America will be like watching a fourth-grade school play about quantum physics. No one will understand the point or remember their roles, and there will be a lot of crying and the audience will be totally confused.  Spokespeople for both the Republicans and Democrats will proclaim: “We give up.”

Pope Leo XIV will be so popular that many parents will choose to name their babies after him. There will be a wave of children called XIV, which in three generations could be XIV III. 

This July the United States will celebrate its 250^th birthday.  This event is also known as the Semiquincentennial, because the word ‘floccinaucinihilipilificatious’ was already being used and CCL looked too much like Russian influence.  Hallmark, reportedly a subsidiary of Exxon, says the appropriate gift for this birthday is Greenland.

Sometime during the year there will be various award shows, including People’s Choice, Critic’s Choice, and the dark and wildly unpredictable Sophie’s Choice. Naturally people will tune in for the Academy Awards, Golden Globes, the Emmy’s, Grammys, Tony’s and of course the Tariffs, which we will be awarded, but will be paid for by other countries.  This year the biggest watch will be the Nobel Peace Prize to be held at the Kennedy Center, which will be renamed the Exxon Event Center.

Education will surge in America this year because of advanced technologies like Ai, which will improve test scores so drastically that some students will not even need to attend school, which will shrink class size.  Teachers’ workloads will be lightened as well because there will be less history to study and fewer books in the libraries. 

This year, because once again personal experience cannot be trusted, Americans will not know what kind of economy is occurring. The economy will be baffling in part because of the conflicting reports from the Bureau of Labor Statistics and The Farmer’s Almanac.

Amazon will buy abandoned shopping malls as distribution centers, which will be featured under the word ‘ironic’ in the dictionary.  Taylor Swift will have lunch with the three people in the world who didn’t see her last tour.  Canada will secede from the U.S.  Gasoline will be sold by the dozen, and eggs will be sold by the gallon in order to prop up previous predictions.  The words ‘screen time’ will surpass the phrase ‘Because I said so.’ in parental lexicon.

The word of the year will be: Yikes.

These predictions are based on significant research, by which I mean staring at the cobwebs in my den while I drank my coffee.  If anything here seems valuable or applicable, I urge you to tear the essay into the smallest possible pieces so that it could be used to start a fire.

Hope this finds you prognosticating,

David

Copyright © 2026 David Smith