Renewal

June 22, 2026

Greetings from the applicant,

I am concentrating on the form in front of me, my tongue set in just the right spot on my lips so I can think.  The form, which was due on Saturday, has been on top of the pile of things about which I am procrastinating.

This is the Annual Application for Renewal of Fatherhood. (AARF)  Some of you, (79% of the population) may not be aware that it is required for fathers to renew their status every year. It’s a really important responsibility, this form I mean, and that’s why it was on top of the pile.

1. Are you applying for:  a. Part Time.  b. Full Time  c. Leave of Absence   d. Priesthood.  (If you checked  d. Priesthood  this is not the correct Fatherhood Form, contact your local diocese for more information.)

2. Are you filling out this form  a. Yourself   b. With the help of Ai.  c. With the help of a judgmental spouse.

I’m usually much better at staying ahead of the renewal, it’s kind of important.  I have been a father for three decades, and I take it very seriously.  It sort of rattled me when I woke up realizing my certification had expired.  I wonder if my kids have been notified. I think it comes like a tornado alert or something on their phones.  Might be embarrassing if they are in a meeting or being arrested or in line at Starbucks or at a funeral.  Not sure why I think my kids would be having that kind of day or what that says about my parenting.

11. Do you set a good example for your children?

a. Yes.   b. No   c. It Depends

12. If you checked c. on the previous question, please fill out form AARF 235, giving the range of experience on which ‘It depends’.  Any admission of criminal behavior cannot be used in prosecution, but may affect your total score in your renewal application.

There is a section that asks for references.  I always hesitate here. The natural inclination is to list my children, but my confidence in my reputation there wavers, depending on the day.  I’ve had some good runs, usually around Christmas, and that one time I got my son pulled out of a ditch.  But there have been some gaps in my performance. Not sure I can get the kind of scores I need.

There are a few essay questions.  I have to think carefully about these, since I can’t rely on my instincts. 

16. Your child is standing on the peak of the garage roof, wearing only a diaper and a Superman cape: What would you do in this situation?

I had to use white-out to cover my first answer, the one where I described my kid flying over the back yard.  I meant what I wrote, but I’m concerned that Headquarters is looking for a different answer.  I was put on probation a few years ago when I gave an answer about running with scissors. It really was a matter of interpretation.  And sense of humor.

Being a father is not simply a biological thing; I think that truth might have already been covered in approximately one bazillion Hallmark cards, and a few paternity disputes.  But I mean this literally. If we don’t fill out the form on time, and get a good review, it’s possible we get disqualified.  What happens then is a little bit of a mystery, but I think we get sent to the father-version of the Juvie.  Or maybe like the island of misfit toys. But for dads.   

So, fathers are required to fill out this form, get it notarized, (by a non-father notary, for some reason) and submit it before Father’s Day each year.  And here I am staring at the blanks, thirty-six hours late, trying to remember my daughter’s middle name and favorite imaginary animal.  It’s really a ridiculous question, of course I know my daughter’s middle name.  But to be fair, I do have four children, which is a potential of like, twelve different names to consider.  Not counting nicknames.

77. When disciplining your children, have you said any of the following:  a. I am not going to tell you again.  b. It looks like an airport in here.  c. Do I look like I’m made of money?   d. I will turn this (expletive) car around.  e. Who ate my (expletive) yogurt?

112. Supporting documentation: include recent photographs of you with your children, any Father’s Day cards (including what they wrote inside), artwork you saved from the refrigerator, and receipts for meals, tires, weddings, college tuition, bail bonds, from the last 12 months.

189. If you are completing this form late, please state in 500 words or less why you will never take your responsibility as a father for granted again, and how much you adore your children, and want only for them to live rich and satisfying lives, filled with adventure and love and interesting choices. If you feel you need additional support for this promise, detail any event where you forgave them and said nothing, when one of your children: a. Broke curfew   b. Dinged your car.  c. Forgot Father’s Day. d. Lied about the stain  e. Ate your (expletive) yogurt.

Ooh! Riley.  Her middle name is Riley.

Hope this finds you in good standing,

David

This essay was written by the author and does not include Ai content.