World Cup Soccer

June 15, 2026

Greetings from the hooligan,

Recently I attended a soccer game. Loyal readers will both recognize the historical significance of that sentence.  Up until now, the only soccer games I’ve attended have featured clumsy children running aimlessly between little nets while their parents screamed conflicting directions from the sidelines, clenching Capri Sun in foil pouches.  This was not that.

It was a semi-pro game, the Flint Bucks, a diversion honoring the phrase ‘make the interesting choice.’ Also, it was my son’s idea.

Because of this experience, I was in the mindset to recognize that people around me were talking about the World Cup, which, for those of you focused on weather patterns, is a big soccer contest. It is claimed that 48 countries from around the world are participating, but one of them is called Côte d'Ivoire, which I am 90% sure is actually a drink at Starbucks.

Otherwise, I would never have known.  I am not an avid soccer fan, (note the whisper of understatement) which, according to recent polls, aligns me with 70% of the U.S. population. And yet, the World Cup is being held here.  I think it is because the organizers thought it was actually football. You know, real football, with shoulder pads and billionaires.

Therefore, I thought it would be helpful to share all that I learned about soccer on Wednesday night, with a few tidbits from an educational aside watching ‘Welcome to Wrexham’.

Generally, soccer is an active sport but not typically as violent as, say, football.  Spectators of soccer have a reputation for correcting that difference, so watching a game is often a contact sport.  Fans, sometimes described as ‘hooligans’, often shout graphically disparaging phrases in unison, at the opposing team, the refs, and passing clergy.

The field is referred to as ‘the pitch’, which some of you will recognize as a term from rugby, baseball, cricket and music, which adds some seasoning to the confusion.  The size of the pitch varies, but it’s bigger than a football field, and a little flatter than C sharp.

Of course the principal purpose of the game, other than fisticuffs and drinking warm beer, is to score points.  Each time a team kicks the ball into its opponent’s net, they are awarded a point. Zero points is referred to as ‘Nil’, unless there are players on the pitch with that name, in which case zero is called ‘Naught’.  One point is called ‘One’. Two points has never been achieved, so it is referred to as ‘Unicorn’.

Each team is allowed seven hours to score a goal.  If they exceed this time, the game is tied at naught-naught. At which point the spectators respond, “Who’s there?”  Often followed by multi-syllabic obscenity.

The officials play an important role in the soccer game, even though they are not allowed to score, which I think would make the game more interesting. The official’s main responsibility appears to be interpreting the dramatic injuries ostensibly inflicted by many of the players.  Officials may bestow a Red Card for these infractions, or an Academy Award, depending on the freshness of the performance.

The players are not allowed to handle the ball with their hands, leading to a ballet of gyrations employing every other part of their body. I am in awe of the creativity and flexibility involved in propelling a ball by hitting it with parts of the anatomy typically reserved for more genteel activities.

I spent most of the time at the soccer game trying to understand what ‘Offsides’ meant, a moment when for no obvious reason all the players suddenly stopped playing and began moping.  In soccer, a player is offside if they are closer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last defender (usually the last field player, with the goalkeeper being the last opponent) the exact moment the ball is passed to them.  I did not invent that sentence because it was funnier than anything I could write.

Throw ins, corner kicks, direct and indirect free kicks, penalty kicks and stoppage time, can all be summed up as the following: If the ball crosses the end line, it either results in a goal kick, if last touched by the attacking team, or a corner kick (no slugbacks) if last touched by the defending team, or a Grand Jete if the groundhog sees his shadow, then time is suspended until the return of Gandalf the White.

These rules explain why the officials are so important, and possibly why the spectators are so angry.

In truth, I really enjoyed going to the game, and was genuinely impressed with the athleticism, the ball handling of the players, and the restraint of the crowd when the referees ignored glaring infractions of good sportsmanship by the beer vendors.

I am certain this essay will help you enjoy the World Cup, assuming you will break away from whatever 70% of the citizens are doing with their time these days.  If at any point you become confused about the behavior, on or off the field, just remember that the defensive midfielder cannot cross the touchline unless they first plié to the offensive hooligan.  It’s really simple.

Hope this finds you arabesquing your corner kick,

David

This essay was written by the author and does not include Ai content.

Copyright © 2026 David Smith