November 25, 2024
Greetings from the gobbler,
I will admit I didn’t pay close attention to in Civics Class in high school, but I think that’s where we would have learned that Benjamin Franklin once proposed that the turkey be our national bird. It turns out that the story wasn’t true, so maybe it was History Class.
The anecdote is easy to believe since I think Ben Franklin invented electricity and green bean casserole, the other important elements in a successful Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s estimated by the National Turkey Federation that Americans eat 46 million turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. This is unbelievable. I mean that it’s unbelievable that there is such a thing as the National Turkey Federation
I will admit I didn’t pay close attention in Social Studies class in school, if that’s where people learn about turkeys and their federations. Might have been Civics class. Or one of the sciences, like woodshop or detention.
Regardless, my knowledge of turkeys and their professional organizations is limited. Of course, I have been aware of the cute little ceremonial pardon that the President of the United States performs each year for a couple of lucky turkeys. Which, as anyone from my high school Civics class would know, is arranged by the National Turkey Federation.
According to the NTF, over 88% of American household will serve turkey on this Thursday at a cost of nearly a billion dollars. These two facts lead to one inescapable conclusion:
The National Turkey Foundation needs to take over the US Government.
I posit this deeply intelligent, well-reasoned proposal as a service to our nation, and to provide yet another interesting topic to discuss on Thursday, during the National Dog Show.
First, the economic impact of our country being run by the NTF would be earthshattering. Imagine an organization that can produce a billion dollars in sales for one event. I did some quick ‘back of the envelope’ math, (meaning I don’t know how to find my calculator) and if the NTF were to leverage their turkey power by 364 days a year, it could wipe out our national debt in one hundred years. Or ten years; this is a cheap envelope so I can’t be sure about this decimal point.
A quick aside, there are a number of turkeys cooked each year that don’t get eaten. Every Thanksgiving a certain number of Americans attempt to deep fry their bird in a vat of oil which predictably produces catastrophic results, namely epic conflagration. This tends to disrupt the watching of the National Dog Show, not to mention cast a pall on the meal. (Parenthetical quick aside, the most popular name for new rock bands last year was ‘Epic Conflagration’, followed closely by ‘Cast a Pall’. Just a coincidence, I think)
The most compelling reason for the NTF to run our country is obvious to most of you, because you are intelligent, thoughtful, and probably very attractive. But for those of you who were in detention with me, I will explain.
Americans are struggling with division, and I don’t mean the kind of division on my cheap envelope. I mean the division that results from philosophical differences about our country, that struggle. Well, the ones that are wrong are struggling. Anyway, struggling or not, there is a tension that exists that is likely to erupt in an epic conflagration during Thanksgiving dinner, which is when everyone intends to solve our national angst, according to experts on Instagram.
Somehow the National Turkey Federation has influenced 88% of households to do one thing, to agree to have turkey. The agonizing question of ‘What do you want to have for dinner?’, at near crisis levels in most of our already polarized country, has been healed with a single waft of a turkey wing.
I don’t know how they exert this amazing influence on our diverse population, which cannot agree on much of anything other than the fact that birds are government-controlled spy drones. But somehow this largely anonymous federation has convinced us to set aside our culinary peculiarities, (Culinary Peculiarities was #4 on the list of new rock band names) and gather around a table in peace. Without questioning anything.
Any force that can mend a national fracture with something as innocuous as a dinner, must be put in charge of everything. I am not sure of the political process in converting from a democratic republic to a National Turkey Federation, probably something that was covered in Civics class when I was tardy. (Are we allowed to say ‘tardy’?)
Let the healing begin. Let’s gather around the table on Thursday and focus on the things we have to be grateful for, and for the reason we come together this time each year; to say disparaging things about Canadians, who for some reason don’t honor our national holidays.
Hope this finds you trying tryptophan,
David
Copyright © 2024 David Smith
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