Car Wash Agita

May 19, 2025

Greetings from where I scrub,

One of the important things about being human is how individual we are. For example we all have different approaches to certain things in our lives, like flossing, and praying and washing our cars.  Each of us tends to procrastinate in our own ways.

My own car-wash decision is dependent on a on a few factors:  How long since I purchased the car? What color is the car?  What is the forecast for rain? Do I still have children in car seats? When was the last time I washed the car? Has anyone written messages in the dirt on the car? How many quarters do I have in the car?

Because I actually ask myself these questions, I often will forget what I’m doing as I go through the list and never make it to the car wash.  Sort of like when I go to the refrigerator to look for the Sriracha sauce and end up cleaning out rotted cucumbers from the hydrator.  We called the hydrator ‘the crisper’ when I was growing up, and it was always falling off its plastic tracks so the fridge door wouldn’t shut, even if you slammed it hard. We also called the footstool the “poofie”.  You can see that I have a problem with focus.

Car wash.  Right.  Typically I go to the Spray-N-Go, or Splash-N-Dash, or Foam-N-Fly, or one of the many other coin-op car washes that specialize in hyphens between words.  There’s something reassuring about the change machine there that turns a dollar into 75 cents, with that old-fashioned clunking-clatter sound it makes, right before the coins explode onto the pavement.

My goal in the coin-op is to get just the right amount of change to wash my car.  This usually means I end up with a partially dirty car or two quarters I will either lose later, or my wife will take for the shopping cart at Aldi’s.  I foam up and scrub off the bugs from the grill, rinse with surgical precision, and inevitably run out of time before I run out of dusty grime.

After washing my car at the coin-op, it’s necessary to dry it off.  This is done with a chamois, which I cannot pronounce confidently and hence am too embarrassed to ask for at the store, and therefore do not own.  For a while I had a towel in my trunk for this purpose, but it took on an odor so strong it burst into flames.  Now, after I wash my car, I just drive it really fast to dry it off.  Ironically this adds to the bug count on the grill, which shortens the loop between car washes.

For special occasions, I will go to the drive-through car wash.  There is no coin angst here, instead you merely take out a second mortgage on your house if you choose to get the Super Duper Wash with Bottom Blaster and Jet Powered Desert Dri treatment.  (Slight up-charge for Sparkle Finish, Odo-Ban, Bug-Away Splash, and Maxi Scam Tire Cleaning.) 

I enjoy the free vacuums now available at some car washes.  Not because they actually work, which technically they do not,  but because it’s fun to see other people go through the same gymnastic gyrations you just did to get the filthy plastic hose inside the car only to find out that leaves more dirt than it removes, in spite of the reassuring screech of the industrial noisemaking machine to which it is attached.

Pulling into the automatic car wash is my favorite part.  Here is where a highly trained technician (highly trained in indifference) assists you into the dragging machine, which pulls you through the washing apparatus, any damage from which Management is Not Responsible For.  This person, who I am sure is very nice when they are not harshly resenting me for interrupting their conversation, or judging me for choosing the least expensive option for washing my car, is also in charge of guiding you into the car wash without damaging your car, which Management is Not Responsible For.

The method they use to guide you into the dragging machine is by using subtle hand signals, which are so understated you might think the attendant is picking his nose.  Sometimes the attendant will use sultry glances to direct you, which, trust me, you can take the wrong way.

The purpose of this professional guidance is so that you will line up your wheel just slightly off center from the dragging machine causing your entire car to shudder as if it were going through an exorcism.  (Exorcism Treatment is $1.00 additional) (Management cannot be responsible for damage to cars during Demonic Extraction)

Some car washes now have monthly subscriptions, which are not costly if you average them out over your lifespan. (Management cannot be responsible for preexisting conditions that may shorten lifespan)  Plus the subscription cost can be deducted directly from your social security benefits, or added to your mortgage, whichever sounds more ridiculous to you. 

And because we didn’t ask for it, many places have apps so you can manage your car wash experience.  These apps will not make your experience better, but you can at least manage it by looking at your phone while going through the Bottom Blaster.

Yes, I know I could also just wash my car in my driveway, but jeez, I’m not a neanderthal.

One day, thousands of years from now, scientists will study our culture, and I am sure they will be astonished at how much time and money we devoted to washing our cars. (Of course, by then I will have almost paid off my car wash subscription.)  Likely in the future we will no longer have change machines or pine scented air fresheners that hang from our mirrors.  Our teeth will be self flossing, our phones will pray for us, and our cars will be washed by Ai.  What in the world will we procrastinate about?

Hope this finds you squeaky clean,

David

Copyright © 2025 David Smith