Buying Ice Cream in 2023

June 12, 2023

Greetings from the consumer,

Me: I’ll take a small scoop of the Michigan Pothole, please.

Clerk: Very well sir. Did you want an edible cone with that?

Me: Excuse me?

Clerk: An edible cone. Many of our clients like their ice cream served that way. There’s just a small upcharge.

Me: I see. What are my options?

Clerk: I can just drop the ice cream directly in your hand.

Me: Ah. Well, of course, I’d love an edible cone.

Clerk: Excellent. Now, shall I scoop the ice cream with a sterile metal utensil, or would you like me to use my bare hands? The utensil method is only a little more.

Me: By all means, use the utensil.

Clerk: Great choice. Some of the staff here have struggled with hygiene, so we really suggest the metal scooping utensil. Now, would you like a napkin wrapped around the cone?

Me: I’m guessing there’s a small charge for that.

Clerk: You know, inflation has really driven up the costs of things. The napkins were the first thing to go up. The fires in Canada, the writer’s strike, student debt, and immigration issues. It all adds up.

Me: How much is the napkin?

Clerk: Well, the napkin is ten cents, but with the application fee it comes to a dollar.

Me: What? What do you mean by ‘application fee’?

Clerk: Sir, someone has to wrap the cone in the napkin, naturally there is a fee for that. You know, with the labor shortage it’s getting more costly all the time.

Me: I imagine. I will take the napkin, I suppose. And for sure, you should apply it.

Clerk. Wonderful. Ok, before we get started, I need to let you know there is now a small surcharge for me to actually scoop the ice cream and put it in the cone. It’s a new cost so I wanted to warn you.

Me: I anticipated that. Go ahead.

Clerk: All right. So we have a single dip, that’s $3.99, plus the cone, the napkin and application charge, the scooping surcharge, and…let me check the chart…your cost for the social security, worker’s comp cost and health insurance for me during this transaction is…$1.79. The freon recharge for the air conditioning, the prorated lighting costs, and your share of the resurfacing of the parking lot is $2.20, and then it looks like the shop owner is going to take a little vacation at the end of June, you know how travel costs have gone up. I have to round up a little because of the exchange rate to Euro, so we’ll call that $3.22.

Me: I…uh… that sounds…

Clerk: Looks like your total comes to $37.20 for everything.

Me: What? The sign says $3.99 for a single! This seems a little excessive.

Clerk: It may seem that way at first until you realize that everyone is charging for these things. It’s just because costs have gone up so much, we just have to pass those along.

Me: I guess so. Well, I don’t have that kind of cash on me.

Clerk: Of course not, no one does. Did you want to use a credit card?

Me: I suppose so. I have my Visa right here…

Clerk: As you can see by this hastily printed policy sign taped to the ice cream cabinet, we now must charge an additional 4% of the total for processing your credit card. You know how those big banks are sticking it to us small businesses.

Me: I know, sometimes it seems like they are just capitalizing on inflation to make a profit. Ok, let’s go ahead, I really like that Michigan Pothole.

Clerk: Yes sir. Now you will see there on the screen where you can add the tip. Me: Right. So the tip suggestion is 20%, so it looks like the total is now $46.42.

Clerk: Absolutely correct.

Me: Before I run the card, I just need to make a few adjustments.

Clerk: Hm?

Me: Adjustments. I’m going to need to share some of my costs with you. It only seems fair.

Clerk: I beg your pardon?

Me: Let’s see: There are the obvious costs, just working out the numbers here, gasoline I used to get here, insurance on the car, a little percentage for the depreciation, wear and tear. I had an increase in my health care costs this year, I’m sure you understand, I’ll just prorate that number. Now it looks like we have spent about seven minutes reviewing the cost of the transaction, my hourly rate is…ok, got that. Now, there is an annual fee for my credit card, I’ll divide that into the use here. There we go. Looks like with my charges we deduct from your total, it comes to $3.99. I’ll pay cash, but I’m going to have to charge a small percentage for the use of the money. 4% should do it. So, our new total is $3.83.

Clerk: Sir, you can’t just come in here and randomly charge us for your costs. Those are your problems to deal with, we are not responsible for what it costs you to buy an ice cream cone.

Me: No. I suppose not. That would be ridiculous. Now, I’m sure you’ll agree I’ve been extremely courteous today, so would a 20% tip be appropriate?

Hope this finds you happily transacting,

David

Copyright © 2023 David Smith