Rooster Attack

December 2, 2024

Greetings from the prey,

Recently I was attacked by a rooster.

When I left home that morning rooster attack was not at the top of the list of experiences I would have considered.  I don’t actually make such lists, and for those of you who do, I would move rooster attack up a few spaces from wherever you had it.  Also, you are overplanning your day.

Later, when I had fully recovered, I decided to find out what the odds were for the average person to have a rooster encounter.  Because there are no statistics on rooster attacks, I found myself reading about bears in the wild, which is a popular inquiry lately. (I wanted to say I went down a rabbit hole, but I couldn’t bear another animal metaphor) It turns out, if you are an average person, the odds of being injured by a bear are one in two million.  I like to think that I am at least average, although maybe not in math, and so I have difficulty understanding odds sometimes.

I once attended a training session in bear relations put on by a ranger in Yosemite National Park.  The ranger, an earnestly vivacious young woman, gave an oddly perky demonstration about how to survive a bear attack. It was like getting critical lifesaving skills at my children’s second grade musical.  Somewhere in her instructions she included the advice: ‘make yourself as large as possible’.  At the time I was five decades past my formative years, and believed I was already as large as possible.

For some reason after the bear orientation, my brother, who was present for the event to add contrast commentary, thought she had been giving us instructions on gay bears. I don’t know if there are gay bears, or if that influences how we react, not that we should treat them differently, but now that’s the only other thing I can remember from the training.

Since then, I have read a great deal on the subject, mostly outlined by the National Park Service, which is in charge of keeping tourists from bothering moose and bison and wolves and other animals who don’t want a selfie with us and express that sentiment using their sharp pointy teeth.

The NPS suggests the following things regarding bear encounters.  After each recommendation I have made a helpful note.

1.      If you surprise a bear, don’t fight it. (If you do, don’t tell anyone. First rule about bear fights: don’t talk about bear fights)

2.      Speak calmly and firmly to the bear and let it know you are human. (I’ve found that empathy is the best way to express your humanness. Bears rarely get empathy)

3.      If the bear charges, play dead, assuming it is a grizzly bear.  If it is a black bear do not play dead. (Unless you can’t help it.) (Bears do not identify themselves in these situations so there is some split-second interpretation involved.  If the bear identifies as gay, show empathy)

Recently my brother, who is an expert in many things, excluding accurately remembering birthdays, told me that most people who are attacked by mountain lions are completely surprised.  You have to admit that is logical; if you knew in advance that you were going to be attacked by a mountain lion, I would think you would simply stay home.  In fact, if I were writing a manual on how to deal with a mountain lion attack, this would be number one on the list.  In bold.  Underlined. And in fact, that would be the whole list. 

My brother was trying to make the point that mountain lions are so stealthy their victims don’t ever know they’ve been attacked unless there is some kind of instant replay in heaven, which I pray daily is true.  My brother didn’t use the word ‘stealthy he actually used the word ‘sneaky’, which I suspect, if asked, mountain lions would find pejorative, and so would doubt his empathy.

I’m not making light of wild animals attacking people in the woods, I know that it is a serious situation with sometimes tragic results, in spite of the odds.  And now that I have had this harrowing rooster experience myself, I am particularly empathetic, demonstrating my humanness, in case any bears have recently subscribed.

Most of my interactions with wild animals in the woods have been postmortem.  (To be clear, I am not postmortem) I will go on record here that these exchanges can be terrifying, particularly with possums who are so famous for pretending to be dead when they are not, they actually have an idiom named after them.  Regardless, after skirting a safe distance around every dead thing I’ve encountered, I get that spinal shiver known as the heebie-jeebies, which is nature’s way of telling you that the raccoon was only pretending to be lifeless on the trail. 

Even with all my years of experience of safe skirting, I was not prepared for a rooster attack.  I know that some people will breed roosters to fight in a ring, so there’s potential for violence, but what are the odds that I would run into a trained MMA bird?  Well, the odds are not what you just thought of.

I was walking down a road near my house when a rooster suddenly appeared, which is not how they typically appear.  He began stealthily stalking me, even when I picked up my pace, trying not to seem intimidated. The rooster quickened his pace as well, making intimidating noises which were 100% effective.

My extensive wild animal education did not include roosters, however I remembered my bear training, and I made myself as large as possible.   The rooster evidently had also taken bear training, and he also made himself as large as possible.  I knew this kind of escalation would eventually lead to one of us bursting.  It also dawned on me that roosters have sharp beaks and claws and can fly, which outnumbered my defenses by three.

I’ll spare you the harrowing details except to say I ran away shrieking, which I think the average person would do in that circumstance. The rooster gave chase until his empathy kicked in, or he became embarrassed for both of us.  I didn’t look to see when he gave up, but I still have the heebie-jeebies.

If you are still reading this it’s possible you have some concerns about wild animal encounters and were hoping for some authentic guidance, which means, welcome, this is your first time here.  Chances are you will not encounter bears or roosters or mountain lions today, but I would still urge the same advice.  Make yourself as large as possible and be empathetic. 

Hope this finds you beating the odds,

David

Copyright © 2024 David Smith