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12th Moanin' of Christmas

November 9, 2009

 

Greetings from the menagerie,

 

“Do you allow alligators in here?”  I asked.

“Wait, what?” the young man behind the counter replied, looking up at last.

 

The video rental store was empty, and except for the actors playing on the dozen screens around us, there were no witnesses, which gave me the courage to ask one of the ludicrous questions that is always on the tip of my tongue.

 

“Alligators.  Do you allow them in here?”

“I’d have to ask my manager, but... are you serious?  I mean, I don’t think so.  I mean aren’t they dangerous?  Or is that crocodiles?”  He laughed nervously, looking around the store, perhaps in fear of reptile attack, perhaps hoping a manager might appear.  Perhaps rethinking his career path.

“Let’s say I was blind, and the alligator was like my ‘seeing-eye gator’.  Could I bring him in here?”  I smiled a little, hoping he would not press some secret button alerting the crack squad of Video Store Security stormtroopers waiting in the Video Game Den.

“Well, I guess,” still looking around for some middle management intervention, “but if you were blind would you even be in here renting movies?”

 

I have to admit that I underestimated the caliber of young people currently employed at the video store.  I was expecting a blank stare, and this guy was less flummoxed by the thought of reptilian guides than he was the likelihood of my scenario in the first place.  We could have discussed why an unsighted person might want a movie, but because the conversation was absurd there was no reason to bring in a mature theme at that point.

 

Some months ago there was a story about a woman who was legally blind and needed a guide animal, but because of her religion, could not use a dog.  She chose a pony instead.

 

At first I laughed at this idea, but really, what could be better than a guide animal that you could ride to wherever you need to go?  To be accurate, this was a pygmy pony, not much bigger than a Great Dane.  But it’s still funny; a horse is a horse. 

 

There are a wide variety of partnerships between humans and animals, beyond the traditional ‘PLEASE-oh-please-can-we-have-a-dog-I-promise-I’ll-take-care-of-it’ pet.

There are all kinds of service animals who do simple functions or guide those who are in need.   Animals can serve as companions for lonely or sick people, and have proven to enrich the lives of people who need a little unconditional friendship.

 

But I can’t help it; a guide pony is still funny, only slightly less funny than a guide cow.  (Guide Cow, in case it sounded familiar, is the #6 Special at Wing Garden Chinese Take Out)

 

Almost nine years ago I wrote about a woman who had a companion animal to calm her nerves when she traveled on airplanes.  The animal was a 300-pound pot-bellied pig.

 

I mean no disrespect to those people who genuinely need help from a service animal.  But you have to admit it would be hard not to smile at the sight of a 300-pound pig coming down the aisle from First Class.  And as soon as we can get comfortable with that image, then horses won’t be far behind.

 

In the time since pigs first flew I’ve thought a lot about this, which might give you some insight into how I avoid thinking about more important issues.  Regardless, every time I read about another unusual animal being herded into the service of people I find myself scratching my head, a job that could be left to my monkey companion, if I had one.

 

At some point we will co-opt all kinds of animals to help get us through the day.  Llamas, lemurs, baboons, civets, raccoons, possums, ad infinitum. (Note: ad infinitum is not a type of animal.  It is a Latin phrase meaning “I’ve become bored writing this tedious list.”)  Maybe an okapi for the city and then perhaps a manatee for the lake house.

 

I think if I ever need a service animal for some reason, I’d like to choose a kangaroo. First, because I admire their jumping ability, which would come in handy when choosing video titles from the top shelf.  And they have those cool pockets to carry my stuff in. 

 

But let’s not ignore the elephant in the room.  (I don’t mean the seeing-eye elephant.) There is an inevitable development that we should not ignore, given our need for comfort, company and practical assistance, on the one hand, and the burgeoning population on the other.  I’m talking about human beings.  Will there come a day when we will see people actually using people for companions?

 

By the way, according to Americans with Disabilities Act, anyone with a legitimate service animal can bring it wherever the public is allowed.   That would include video stores.  And pet stores too. 

 

In my oddball brain, it strikes me as comical when humans use rabbits or yaks for companion animals.  I’m glad for the partnership, but it strikes me as funny because of the unlikely pairing, like John Wayne costarring with Don Knotts.  In the same brain, I find it strangely sad that we have delegated the job of companionship to other species.

 

Hope this finds you in good company         

 

David

 

Copyright © 2009 David Smith

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